Dear Taylor Swift,

Dear Taylor Swift,

Do you remember when Twilight won best movie at the MTV Movie Awards? And the director got up and gave this really serious speech about what an accomplishment it was? I didn’t mind that. Because it was the MTV Movie Awards. Twilight wasn’t even nominated for any Oscars, and rightly so. When you won Entertainer of the Year at the AMA’s, I wasn’t shocked. It’s the AMA’s. They’re just an excuse for musicians to perform on TV. So fast forward to last night. You won the Grammy for Album of the Year. Now are you meaning to tell me that you can look in the mirror and tell yourself, “I had the best album that came out last year”? Hmmmmm.

It’s not that you’re not a nice person. You seem very sweet and charming and you obviously have large amounts of ambition. But honestly, when Stevie Nicks is more in key than you, something’s wrong. There were legitimately talented performers at the Grammys. Green Day. Beyonce. Andrea Bocelli. And then there was you. I’m sure anyone who had never heard you was thinking, “This girl is nominated for best album? She can’t even sing.” And then you win, beating Beyonce, Lady Gaga, Black Eyed Peas, and Dave Matthews Band, all of whom have never won and have been working longer and probably harder than you to get to where they are.

So anyway I’ve got this plan. I’m going to be really precocious and get a record deal based on my perkiness. Then I’m going to write a fun song about down home country high school crushes. Then I’m going to write that same song over and over but give it different titles. Then I’m going to not sing on pitch and not play guitar well and then I’m going to win ALBUM OF THE YEAR.

Love,
Noah

RIverdancing like a champ.

My adventures in the world of Irish dance date relatively far back. As a small child [like 3-ish] I became obsessed with the RIverdance tapes my Irish grandparents would send us. I believe there are home videos of me imitating Michael Flatley in our living room. Since then, I’ve seen Riverdance three times, most recently last year. I also had a brief stint in Irish dance lessons at around 6 or 7.

So fast forward to six weeks ago. My good friend Madison [who has been annoying me about getting her own post on here. greedy greedy!] invited me to an Irish dance class that meets a couple blocks from me. I enjoyed it and have been going to the class since. It’s a wonderful outlet for making a fool of myself in public, which I’m all about.

Fast forward to Thursday night. The group [called the Alabama Academy of Irish Dance] performed at a banquet at UAB and amazingly wanted me to dance for a couple songs. The first was one of those social jig deals where everyone ends up dancing with everyone else. That I could do pretty well. The second was a reel and significantly less doable for me. I was reminded of the scenes in sitcoms where the characters end up on stage at a concert or something and awkwardly shuffle around the whole time.

Anyway, that’s what’s new in my life. As another friend who shall remain anonymous said, “Noah, anything that makes you look less clueless and unbalanced when you dance on stage is a good thing.”

Moderately paced times at Homewood High.

At Homewood High School, the back staircase leads into what was surely designed to be an atrium of sorts. There are several large skylights, a high ceiling, and the whole room is facing the athletic fields. There’s just one problem. In the space where large, arched windows are supposed to be, there’s a mural of what said windows would look like. Nothing fancy, just a few colors splashed onto the boring off-white wall to look like a huge window.

How glorious the architect must have felt! To include such a regal flair in the plans for an otherwise dull school. Now, the 1000 children enrolled at Homewood simply shuffle up and down the double stairwells, barely noticing the magnificent view, or rather lack thereof. So much was planned, and now it just looks sad.

Sigh.

Does this domain name make me look fat?

So Noah’s Canon can now be found at noahcannon.com. I’m still working out the kinks, since this is my first domain name [awwwwww]. I’m hoping to make it all look a bit more pretty in the coming weeks. Anyway, alert the media.

Meet me in Osaka.

Like most humanoids, I get tired after not sleeping for a while. Usually, however, I just follow instinct, go to sleep, and that’s that. So imagine my surprise when, a few nights ago, I totally and completely went insane because I couldn’t go to sleep. Seriously.

I pulled an involuntary all-nighter the night before [thank you insomnia] and found myself barely able to keep my eyelids up. I flopped on my bed, pulled up the covers, and sat there. After a long period of staring at the ceiling, I sat up to find a life-size version of my solar-powered maneki neko staring at me. Beckoning with its left hand.

“You’re supposed to be on my bedside table… and four inches tall,” I reminded it.

“Why aren’t you asleep?” it asked. It was a fair question.

“I’m trying. Wait, do you do this every night? Grow to a larger size and watch me sleep?”

“Maybe. You need to sleep. You’re tired.”

“Yes. Thank you. Some good luck charm you are.”

I got up and awkwardly scooted past the large plastic cat on my way to the door. Its hand still waved, despite the lack of solar power in the dark room. The door was locked.

“You wanna help me here?” I asked.

“Oh no, Noah. You’re staying in here,” came the reply. “Forever and ever.”

“What?!”

“What.”

And then I woke up. On the living room couch. I rushed into my room to find the little plastic cat still on my bedside table, its normal size. Its hand was still waving. This really happened. Scariest dream of my life involving a Japanese good luck cat.

The Tragedy of Marty the Squirrel.

I wrote this on a whim on my Facebook account last week, but I thought I’d post it here for your amusement. Ahem:

Once upon a time in a distant forest there was a flock of flying squirrels. They swooped through the air and jumped from tree to tree with astonishing ease. All of the forest creatures were in awe of the flying squirrels.

In the same distant forest lived a common red squirrel named Marty. Marty couldn’t swoop through the air. He couldn’t jump from tree to tree. Every day he tried and tried to fly, but no one was in awe of Marty.

Except for a small group of grey squirrels. They thought Marty was beautiful, with his elegant red color and bushy tale.

‘Come play with us Marty! We love you!’ said the grey squirrels.

‘No, I must keep trying to fly. With practice and determination, I can accomplish anything,’ said Marty.

And so Marty continued his quest to fly. He jumped from trees, trying desperately to glide effortlessly as the flying squirrels he admired so much did.

One day the flying squirrels passed by Marty as he fell from yet another tree. Marty tried to talk to them, to tell them how much he wanted to fly like them, but they only laughed at him. As they flew away, the sound of their laughter only made Marty became more determined.

‘With practice and determination, I can accomplish anything,’ said Marty.

Finally, after months of practice and determination, Marty climbed to the tallest limb of the tallest tree of the distant forest. He was going to jump off and prove to his role models that he could fly just like them.

‘No Marty! Come play with us! We love you whether you can fly or not! You are special! You are red!’ yelled the grey squirrels.

But Marty didn’t even notice them. He positioned himself at the edge of the branch, took a deep breath, and jumped. Marty fell all the way down to his death.

The grey squirrels held a small funeral for their red friend who they so wanted to play with. The flying squirrels saw the funeral and kept flying, oblivious to their biggest fan’s demise.

There were no more red squirrels in the distant forest.

Best music of 2009.

I don’t listen to as much music as I’d like to say I do. I’ve been making a conscious effort to broaden my taste and hopefully this list reflects that. Still love me some Ingrid Michaelson though. Some things don’t change.

The Resistance by Muse How can you not love a band that can be inspired by both Chopin and Queen on the same song? Also noteworthy is the Exogenesis Symphony, a 12 minute piece spread over three tracks, each as epic in scope and ambition as the others. Best tracks: United States of Eurasia, Exogenesis Symphony, Resistance

I Am… Sasha Fierce by Beyoncé [yes it's from 2008. blah blah blah.] The third studio album by Beyoncé neatly organizes her music into two personalities, Beyoncé Knowles and Sasha Fierce. I’m more a fan of the Beyoncé side of the album, but Sasha Fierce provides the Single Ladies yin to Beyoncé’s Halo yang. I swear that last sentence makes sense. Best tracks: Halo, Ave Maria, Satellites, Diva

It’s Blitz! by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs Taking on a decidedly more disco sound, the YYYs put in another solid effort. While I’m a fan of the new sound, their best stuff is found in the four acoustic tracks included in the album. And Karen O is still amazing [more on that later]. Best tracks: Heads Will Roll, Soft Shock, Skeletons [acoustic version]

The Fame Monster by Lady Gaga I’m going to made fun of for this but I don’t care. Yes, Lady Gaga is crazy. Yes, she puts a lot of emphasis on performance. But she actually has raw musical talent to back it up. Seriously. She writes all her own songs. She graduated from Tisch for crying out loud. Best tracks: Speechless, Bad Romance, Paparazzi

Where the Wild Things Are soundtrack by Karen O and Carter Burwell Karen O, of the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, is the perfect match for Spike Jonze’s avant garde children’s film. Her childlike vocals and simple arrangements are like lullabies, each comforting and familiar. Carter Burwell’s score blends so seamlessly it’s hard to tell where one composer ends and the other begins. Best tracks: All is Love, Igloo, Food is Still Hot

Everybody by Ingrid Michaelson Her most complete album yet. Not sure if that makes sense, but each song on Everybody seems to serve the album as a whole. New on this record are strings [lots of em], drum machines, and more sophisticated lyrics. The ukulele also gets more time than before. Best tracks: Locked Up, Everybody, Men of Snow

Best Movies of 2009.

Last year my best movies post was rather sparse, due partly to how weak 2008 was for film and due partly to my own laziness. For 2009, I was much more diligent, seeing over 40 new movies and writing notes on each. Here are my thoughts.

I hear a lot of grumblings on the intertubes about how 2009 was the worst year for film in a while. The recession has certainly taken a toll on Hollywood. About 500 movies were released in 2009, compared with the 600 released in 2008. But was it a weak year? For the small art films, maybe, but I can’t come up with a better year for popular entertainment. Looking at my top 10, so many of my picks are mainstream movies and so many left off the top 10 are independent films that disappointed.

Anyway, here they are, the best of 2009:

10. Star Trek

One of the strengths of J J Abrams’ Star Trek re-boot is that one need not have seen any previous Star Trek movies or TV shows to enjoy it. I was a total newbie to Star Trek, and was sucked right in along with every Trekkie in the world. With so many blockbusters relying so heavily on CGI, it’s refreshing to see a sci-fi film shot about 40% on location. The engine room of the Enterprise? Filmed in a Budweiser factory. Genius. I’ve watched Star Trek three times, and the feeling of escapism is equally strong with each viewing.

9. Summer Hours

The simplicity of French cinema is always refreshing to me. Summer Hours is a movie about a family whose matriarch dies, leaving a massive estate in the hands of her three grown kids. Much of Summer Hours involves the children deciding what to do with the museum pieces their mother owned, which frankly sounds like a boring movie. But the magic of this movie is how perfectly it captures the children’s nostalgia for their childhood home. We join them after their mother’s death, and yet that longing for simpler times couldn’t be clearer. [Available instantly online at Netflix.com]

8. Avatar

James Cameron is the most annoying person I’ve ever heard speak, and it almost annoys me that his latest movie is so good. He’s been hyping it himself for 12 years now and everyone expected a total fail. But much like Star Trek, Avatar grabs you and doesn’t let go for the length of the film. You all know what the movie’s about by now, so I won’t bore you with the plot, which is a far cry from original. It’s the way Cameron immerses the audience in the world of Pandora that makes this movie so special. His world is beautiful and exquisitely detailed.

7. Where the Wild Things Are

One of my most anticipated movies of 2009 surprised me. I’d watched the trailer so much that I had a fully formed image of what the movie should be. But it was more tan what I’d imagined. Leave it to Spike Jonze to deliver something different, something powerful, exciting, and moving. This is the most complete portrait of childhood ever captured on film. The script, by Jonze and Dave Eggers, is perhaps a little on the nose, but it serves its purpose. Max Records is really impressive as Max, and James Gandolfini is terrific as the voice of Carol.

6. Fantastic Mr Fox

2009 was a great year for animation, and while this is not the only animated film on my list, it’s definitely the best written. Wes Anderson and Noah Baumbach’s movies are chicken soup for the hipster soul, and this one is no different. Animated beautifully in stop motion, this movie takes one of my favorite books by Roald Dahl and turns it into a funny, strange, and quirky film that should appeal to most everyone, not just the hipsters. George Clooney, Meryl Streep, Jason Schwartzman, Owen Wilson, and Michael Gambon are just a few members of the flawless voice cast.

5. The Cove

The best documentary of the year is also one of the most entertaining movies of the year period. Centering on a covert operation to expose Japan’s inhumane killing of dolphins, The Cove could’ve been another dull nature documentary which we’ve all seen before on Animal Planet. But the filmmakers instead made the best spy movie of the year. What they show themselves doing in the movie to save the dolphins is very riveting and very, very illegal. The payoff at the end is disturbing and proves a point better than any facts or figures ever could. The visceral reaction I had to this movie, even upon a second viewing, is unlike anything else I saw in 2009.

4. Up in the Air

Jason Reitman’s third outing as director [after Thank You for Smoking and Juno] is by far his best. He mixes comedy and drama in ways that could draw comparisons to James L Brooks, but Reitman has such a unique visual style that any comparisons seem kind of feeble. George Clooney has a knack for playing the same character, but he does it so darn well. His performance as a professional employment terminator is perfect, and Anna Kendrick [of Twilight fame] is similarly flawless as the new kid who’s trying to change the way he works. Vera Farmiga, Jason Bateman, J K Simmons, and Amy Morton round out the cast of Up in the Air, which is sure to be a big movie in the coming months.

3. Coraline

It seems everyone loves The Nightmare Before Christmas. What most people don’t know is that Tim Burton actually didn’t direct it. Henry Selick, an unsung hero of animation, did. I didn’t think he could top Nightmare, but Coraline does just that. It is one of only two effective uses of 3D in 2009, the other being Avatar, and is a film of endless wonder and fun. I think of it almost like a ride at an amusement park you want to ride over and over again. The dark wonderland created by Selick is imaginative, visually striking, and genuinely scary. Special props must be given to Bruno Coulais, whose soundtrack provides much of the creepy vibe of the film. Oh, and read the Neil Gaiman novella which the movie’s based on. It’s awesome.

2. (500) Days of Summer

If invention is the theme of this list, then (500) Days takes the cake. Told out of order, this is the story of Tom falling in love with Summer. A title card announces which of the 500 days the next scene takes place on, and while this obviously means (500) Days isn’t a traditional narrative, what it offers is something much more meaningful. Tom and Summer’s 500 day relationship lets us see every moment of happiness, love, sadness, anger, and hilarity. Cinematographer Eric Steelberg, who also provided the stunning look of Up in the Air, manages to make Los Angeles look like one of the most beautiful cities in the world. Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Zooey Deschanel are utterly believable in the lead roles. Director Marc Webb’s first feature has many moments of pure exhilaration that make it a joy to watch.

1. The Hurt Locker

There’s a moment in The Hurt Locker in which a character opens up a car trunk in Iraq to find several live bombs. He nonchalantly walks back to his fellow soldier, takes off his heavy bomb equipment, and says, “If I’m going to die, I wanna die comfortable.” It’s this sort of humor that we find in The Hurt Locker, Kathryn Bigelow’s masterpiece about the addictive qualities of war. Set in 2004 Iraq, the story follows a bomb squad as they risk their lives daily in one of the most dangerous occupations. The script by Mark Boal wastes no time with political messages or propaganda. It simply shows, relentlessly, the efforts of the central characters. Bigelow will no doubt win an Oscar for her genius direction and deservedly so. Watching the film, everyone in the theatre was physically shaken by what was going on. The main trio of soldiers are played by Jeremy Renner, Anthony Mackie, and Brian Geraghty in performances that are not only physically demanding but emotionally potent. The Hurt Locker is simultaneously funny and devastating and is sure to be remembered for years to come. Having said that, The Hurt Locker didn’t do too well at the box office when it was released this past summer. I hear talk that Summit may re-release it around Oscar time. Please try to see this in the theatre if you can. It’s a remarkable experience.

Special Jury Prize: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, the best of the series and the first to prove that a good Harry Potter movie can also be a legitimately good movie period. The film has more in common visually with Sweeney Todd than any of its predecessors, which speaks volumes about director David Yates’ understanding of the source material. As a fan, I couldn’t be happier that he’s staying on to adapt the final book.

Other movies I liked: The Brothers Bloom, a quick-witted caper film reminiscent of Wes Anderson at his best
Paranormal Activity, the terrifying little horror movie that did
Precious, simply for Mo’Nique’s fearless performance
This is It, for giving us an honest look at the final work of a great entertainer
Food Inc, exposing the corruption in the food industry
The Blind Side, the most complex sports movie I’ve seen with a great performance by Sandra Bullock
Up, Pixar’s latest which might be lacking in unity, but is rich in humor and wonder
Funny People, Adam Sandler gets serious [sort of] with great results
Earth, the impressive first film in Disney’s planned nature series
Taken, more than the sum of its parts but entertaining nonetheless
Adam, effective story of a mentally disabled man played by Hugh Dancy
Princess and the Frog, might not compare to earlier successes, but still a welcome addition to the Disney canon
Nine, Rob Marshall’s followup to Chicago is uneven, but features seven mesmerizing performances from some of the greatest women in the business.

Most valuable performer: Marion Cotillard gave best-in-show performances in two of last year’s movies, Public Enemies and Nine, elevating both from mediocrity to something special. Her thick French accent is becoming less of an obstacle, too. This year she’s in Christopher Nolan’s Inception, which is probably my most anticipated of the year.

One last thing! Here’s my top 10 for the decade. It leaves out so many amazing movies, but a top 27 just doesn’t work as well.

10. Slumdog Millionaire
9. The Incredibles
8. The Hurt Locker
7. Crash
6. Chicago
5. There Will Be Blood
4. The Diving Bell and the Butterfly
3. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
2. Wall-E
1. Moulin Rouge!

So there you have it! Suggestions for stuff to rent in the coming months. I’d like to know which 2009 movies you enjoyed too.

A year in the Facebook of Noah Cannon.

I really want to enjoy my Christmas break, so I’m going to avoid physically strenuous activities like blogging. For my final post of the year, I’ve gathered my favorite Facebook statuses I’ve posted in 2009. Here they are.

Noah Cannon…

is… wait, is there, like, a football game going on or something? [on Super Bowl Sunday]

had a splendid day. And is still unaware of his being single. Take that, Valentine’s. [on Singles' Awareness Day]

wants to be a Pokémon when he grows up. Preferably the one that sings people to sleep and draws on their faces.

had a dream he saw a pygmy marmoset in his room. And the pygmy marmoset was named Phil. And Phil did a little dance and made me smile. And then I woke up.

is perplexed as to why amn’t isn’t a word. I amn’t pleased about that.

is in the midst of Furries. [Word to the wise - never stay at a hotel during a Furry convention.]

is thinking about moving to Canada, changing his name to Yukon Sam, and opening a coffee shop. And hosting poetry slams.

is watching The Fast and the Furious with no sound, blaring the Titanic soundtrack, and eating Oreos. [This made a lot more sense at the time.]

is like a goldfish: fun at first, but then you have to feed it tiny pellets every day until it dies.

feels like Captain von Trapp. But without the seven kids. Or musical numbers at parties. Or Julie Andrews.

Dear the world: The word ‘thespian’ does not rhyme with the word ‘lesbian.’ Love, Noah.

wishes to change his name to Alejandro. So when he calls you, you can tell your friends ‘I have to take this. It’s Alejandro.’

doesn’t trust people with more photos on Facebook than friends on Facebook. I don’t care if photography is your hobby. Keep it on Flickr where it belongs.

doesn’t know what’s sadder: Michael Jackson’s death or people’s apparent inability to spell his first name correctly.

The Noah Cannon Diet: Breakfast – Pepperoni hot pocket, Coke Lunch – Naked smoothie, chocolate chip cookie Dinner – Pepperoni hot pocket, Coke, Cheetos. Ahhhhhh summer.

‘Noah, maybe if your acne ever clears up, you’ll look as pretty as me.’ -Grace Cannon

Life is like pudding. You either make it at home, in which case there’s a weird layer of skin on top, or you can buy it in pre-made cups which don’t taste as good.

is going to be wearing a band aid on his face at school tomorrow. I’m writing this so those of you who read it will know not to question the band aid when you see me. Just go with it. And trust me that however unappealing the band aid may look, what’s underneath is much worse. Be nice to me. I’ve had a rough few days. [Long story.]

.uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ pǝddıIɟ ʇob ǝɟıI ʎɯ ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ IIɐ ʎɹoʇs ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ ʍou

Dear Alabama Power, If my power goes out during Mad Men, so help me I will come at you in the night with an axe. Love, Noah. [There was a storm.]

I’m rubber, you’re glue. Whatever you say sticks to me immediately because you’re glue. And your words are adhesive. [This seemed more clever at the time.]

just had a dream that he was falling asleep in class, so he jolted himself awake to find it was a little after midnight. Sigh. Long night ahead.

If life is a glass of milk, then school is the Oreo that fell in while I was trying to dip it. [Oreos are a recurring theme in my statuses.]

is pretty sure Barack is pronounced with a rolled r. Spread the word.

Why are we supposed to think that Charlie and Grandpa Joe are any better than the others? All they do is whine about the other kids and then they explicitly disobey Wonka by drinking the soda because ‘no one’s watching.’ And we’re supposed to be rooting for them?

is in a creative bubble. The kind that tastes good when it pops on your tongue.

is soooooo indie. I wear Great Gatsby t-shirts and like Zooey Deschanel and listen to Wilco. So indie.

kind of wants to see I Can Do Bad All By Myself. I also kind of want to slap myself for typing that.

really dislikes when people say something offensive and then say ‘just sayin…’ Yes, I know you were ‘just sayin’ and it’s still offensive.

The mom from 18 Kids and Counting is expecting another bundle of joy. Her labors now last 12 seconds. [I dream of being a Weekend Update anchor.]

Juniors: Come to float building tomorrow or the terrorists win! [I'm a good class officer.]

feels like Arnold from the Magic School Bus. Like the time when the magic school bus shrunk and went inside Arnold’s body and he thought they left him behind.

just fell asleep while thinking of a clever status. You’re welcome.

My mom is playing She Wolf by Shakira on the violin. The end.

Sometimes I wish my life was a hidden camera show. Because things would make a whole lot more sense.

does not look like McLovin. Nor do I look like Harry Potter. I’m just wearing glasses. But thanks anyway.

is definitely wearing a robe backwards so people think I own a Snuggie. Live dangerously.

I’m sick and tired of hearing about this Justin Bieber kid and his questionable last name.

Why do people say ‘be safe’ on Halloween as if this is the only day when people walk through their own neighborhood?

Seriously, how is Phil Collins so awesome?

Holy. Crap. Sarah Palin fans do not come to play.

just typed the words ‘hogwarts real life’ into Google. I think I need a hobby.

is thankful for all of you, even if I have funny ways of showing it sometimes. Thank you. Now go stuff your face. [Thanksgiving '09]

Dear Wendy’s double bacon deluxe, You will be the death of me. Love, Noah.

December never felt so wrong.

I have one more final [AP English] tomorrow and then I’m off to see Avatar. I cannot express how ridiculously childishly excited I am for this movie. I’m seeing it twice tomorrow. Seriously. Naturally, I’ll report back.

Ragtime rehearsals started last week and have been going quite well. This is a musical based on the novel of the same name. It’s really a remarkable show. I’m in the ensemble and play 10 characters total. Can’t wait to see how that’s going to work out costume change-wise.

My favorite stuff in December:

- Empire State of Mind (Broken Down) by Alicia Keys – By far the best song from her new album. If you were a fan of the mega-hit rap version of this song Alicia Keys did with Jay-Z or not, you’ll love this. She puts emotion in her music like very few mainstream artists.

- The Cove – Documentary about a group of scientists, filmmakers, divers, daredevils, and technology experts trying to expose what really happens to the dolphins who are taken to the hidden cove in Taiji, Japan. Equal parts informative and moving, with dashes of Ocean’s 11 and Mission: Impossible thrown in for good measure. Highly recommend Netflixing it.