‘Beyoncé had one of the best videos of all time.’ [or Dear Kanye West...]

Everyone will be blogging about this. Everyone. So I figured I’d join in. ‘Sorry Taylor, I’ll let you finish, but Beyoncé had one of the best videos of all time.’ Words of a genius named Kanye West. Let’s analyze this, shall we?

‘Sorry Taylor.’ PAUSE! That’s like when people say ‘no offense’ and then say something really offensive. It’s still offensive, regardless of whether you said ‘no offense.’

‘I’ll let you finish.’ PAUSE! Taylor Swift was excepting an effing VMA. Kanye, you do not tell her whether she can finish or not. And when you handed her back the mic, she just said nothing and looked like she might melt.

‘Beyoncé had one of the best videos.’ PAUSE! Okay. It was a good video. But it was a mediocre song. And why should you get to judge the quality of a musician’s work Kanye? You’re best known for yelling over a Daft Punk song that already existed.

‘Of all time.’ PAUSE! Really? Really? Why do really unintelligent people feel the need to add ‘of all time’ to every bit of praise they give? Yes, I’m talking about Ben Lyons.

Okay, I’m done. Kanye, it’s one thing to rant about how awesome you are, but don’t drag an innocent teenager into the mix. Taylor isn’t the greatest country artist ever, but she didn’t deserve that. Good day, sir. I said good day.

Dear Miley Cyrus…

Dear Miley Cyrus,

You are not TI. You can’t pull off thanking God for your fake award at a fake awards show. And then, not a minute later, you yell ‘I’M ON A BOAT,’ to less than awesome applause. Yeah. You nailed it. I can’t wait for your Oscar acceptance speech.

View her speech.

Love,
Noah

Dear weather,

Dear weather,

It’s April now.

Love,
Noah

Dear General Theatregoing Public…

Dear General Theatregoing Public,

- You are to be seated [not walking to your seat] when the lights go down. If you’re 45 minutes late to a production, don’t bother coming. It’s really better for everyone involved.

- Cell phones are to be off [not silent] when the lights go down. The same should be said for cameras. During the performance of Riverdance I attended tonight, there was a camera flash from the audience. Then the gentleman several rows in front of me was texting. Needless to say it took me out of the experience.

- Applause is necessary for the leads’ entrances. In Chicago, when Velma Kelly comes up through a trapdoor and the entire ensemble gestures towards her, they’re prompting applause. I shouldn’t feel like an idiot for being the only one clapping. Rhythmic clapping is absolutely unacceptable UNLESS it is prompted by a cast member onstage.

- Just as you are seated when the lights go down, you remain seated until the lights go up. The curtain call isn’t optional. It’s part of the show. The cast has just performed for us, the audience. We give appropriate levels of applause and sit through every encore the cast/performer feels like doing. Tonight, the woman next to me tapped my shoulder during a standing ovation, signaling she wanted out. I shook my head and pointed to the company onstage. Was this obnoxious of me? Absolutely.

Sincerely,

Noah

P.S. – Ushers should know where the stage door is. You work at the theatre.

Dear Larry Langford…

Dear Larry Langford,

I’m sorry I haven’t written sooner. I guess I was just too distraught to put my emotions into words. Or I was grounded. Take your pick. Anyway, as an avid fan of yours, imagine my surprise upon hearing the news of your arrest. The Federal BI people have no heart.

Having only lived here a year, I don’t know the full story of why you were arrested. To me, you’ll always just be the man who inspired me to be more than I could ever be. Even if doing so would be a physical impossibility. Like when all those haters told you that Birmingham couldn’t host the Olympics? Did you take that? No. You never gave up. When people told you that your so-called ‘renovation’ of five points looked like crap, did you concede? No. You stood up for the stupid decision you made.

I’ll always look up to you in that respect. But frankly, I’m a little let down. My Birmingham Olympic fan site was forced to shut down due to low traffic. How could this be? We were going to do great things, Larry. I designed t-shirts. And now it doesn’t mean anything. What about the dome? Are you just going to let your dreams die?

I know this is hard for you. Believe me, it’s hard for all of us. Despite my internal conflict, I know that Birmingham can go nowhere but down without you.

‘Near, far, wherever you are, I believe that my heart will go on…’

Noah Cannon

Dear Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt,

Dear Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt,

Um… what the what?

I understand your undying feelings for each other, as viewers see weekly on MTV, but eloping? In Mexico? Isn’t that kind of a cliché?

I was such a big fan of The Hills. Now I just can’t bring myself to watch it.

Noah

[/sarcasm]

Dear Clay Aiken…

Dear Clay Aiken,

No one cares.

Good luck on that solo career!

Noah

Dear Sports Journalist Reporter People…

Dear Sports Journalist Reporter People,

I don’t care about Michael Phelps.

Noah