Dear Miley Cyrus,
You are not TI. You can’t pull off thanking God for your fake award at a fake awards show. And then, not a minute later, you yell ‘I’M ON A BOAT,’ to less than awesome applause. Yeah. You nailed it. I can’t wait for your Oscar acceptance speech.
Love,
Noah
I want to be a tribal warrior when I grow up. I want to live in the jungles of the Amazon and eat green bananas and kill ocelots for food. And I want to have a pet bird. One of those birds that do the weird mating dance. Like on Planet Earth.
I want to go to Neptune. Because it is grossly underappreciated as a planet. I can’t imagine it being a very pleasant visit, but I’d like to give Neptune some well-deserved publicity.
I want to live in a loft and paint all day. I want to play loud music. And I want to go shopping at the foreign grocery and eat lots of hummus. I want to go on the roof of my loft and breathe in the glorious pollution of the city.
I want a racecar bed. Preferably red. I want people to be jealous when they see my racecar bed. I want to go to Chuck E. Cheese and win one of those huge stuffed animals. I want to go play laser tag and win. And I want to eat chicken nuggets and drink Sprite.
I want a big, wraparound porch. With hammocks and porch swings and rocking chairs and pitchers of lemonade and strawberries. I want to lie in aforementioned hammock on a sunny day with a ridiculous number of pillows.
I want some Oreos.
The school year is coming to a much-welcomed close! We’re at the stage where we’re just prepping for finals and no one’s actually teaching anything. My schedule for next year filled up VERY quickly, and some of the courses I wanted to take [AP Psych, Advanced Acting] had to be put on hold for things I had to take [SGA, French II]. I’m also still missing a PE credit, which is embarrassing and ridiculous, but will have to wait until my senior year.
This summer I’m doing so much visiting and traveling with the family that I don’t think I’ll be able to do much by way of activities and such. But I will enjoy going to Disney World [for the Presbyterian General Assembly, of course], the beach, and Philadelphia. Much to my mother’s disbelief, virtually no one hires people under 16, so a job isn’t much of an option at this point. My mother doesn’t think this to be true.
Okay, my favorite things for May:
Star Trek – What an awesome movie. I’d never seen a Star Trek film or television program before seeing the new movie, but that didn’t matter. It was fun and exciting and I enjoyed it immensely. Wolverine, take note. This is how you make a summer movie.
Summer Heights High – An Australian comedy mockumentary series about a public high school called Summer Heights High. Chris Lilley created the show and stars as Mr. G, the flamboyant drama teacher; Ja’mie, the exchange student from a private girls’ school; and Jonah, the troubled youth who is ‘the best break dancer in the whole suburb.’ Netflix it.
Katie Herzig – I like her all the time, but her latest album, Apple Tree, has been on repeat on my iPod of late. She’s one of the most original and consistent singer-songwriters right now. She’s performing at WorkPlay on Sunday the 17th. You should go.
TCBY – Go to TCBY. Order the Cookie/Cookie Dough parfait. Your life will change.
Some items I stumbled upon at Barnes & Noble.
God’s Little Princess Devotional Bible
Um, no. Not okay. At all. You can’t give small children a Bible that puts them at the center of attention. ‘Daddy’s Little Princess’ is obnoxious enough, thank you.
The VeggieTales Bible
Once again, no. You can’t teach children the Bible through vegetables. That’s not acceptable. Whether people want to admit it or not, VeggieTales does leave an impact on kids. I was fed VeggieTales as a child. Now, whenever I think about Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, I think of a freakin’ chocolate bunny.
The Something Something Something Next Generation Audio Bible
Let’s see where the teen stars on this audio bible are now…
Cody Linley [Jesus] – Recurring guest role on Hannah Montana, Dancing With the Stars season 7 loser.
Jordin Sparks [Mary] – Struggling to really find an audience outside of that duet with Chris Brown.
Emily Osment [Mary Magdalene] – Regular role on Hannah Montana. Sister of Oscar nominee.
Corbin Bleu [Peter] – Struggling to really find an audience after High School Musical.
Recurring theme? Noooo…
It seems that all three of these are just insulting to young Christians. Why should children have to be taught the bible with vegetables? Why should teens require an audio bible with Disney Channel people?
I’ve totally been slacking in the blog department for the past few weeks, so I’m addressing the elephant in the room with some bullet points.
- Jekyll and Hyde: The Musical opened last night. There are two more performances: tomorrow at 7:30 and Sunday at 2:30 at the Virginia Samford Theatre. You should come.
- I led a successful campaign to become vice president of my class at school. I really just wanted to make posters. And now I hear there are ‘responsibilities’ involved. Anyone know what that’s about?
- I really want Mel Gibson to go away.
- I really want to be Susan Boyle’s best friend.
Dear weather,
It’s April now.
Love,
Noah
A few nights ago I had a dream. Here it is. With some slight embellishments.
I am in a tent. There is a plaid blanket around me, yet I feel ice cold. I go outside. There is snow on the ground. I appear to be on a mountain of considerable size. A man in a snowsuit appears.
Hey, you coming?
Yeah, I guess.
I follow the man in the snowsuit up a hill. A rock that looks uncannily like pride rock from The Lion King looms into view. It is covered in snow. We walk behind the rock and discover an opening, like a cave. We walk inside. The man in the snowsuit is gone. I am in a building, looks like an office or a school.
Meryl Streep walks out of her office. [I'm not making this up.]
Hey! You’re Meryl Streep!
No, I’m not.
Um, yeah you are.
No, I’m not.
Oh. Okay.
I follow Not Meryl Streep into her office.
So you’re the inspector from the board.
Uh, yeah. That’s me.
Well, I assure you this is a perfectly legitimate institution. The children are extremely well behaved and productive.
Children?
Yes. We only use children. Our selection process ensures we only get the best.
What’s your selection process?
When families visit the institution, we make them choose one child to give up. They may keep the others. But the one they give to us will never see them again.
Woah, like Sophie’s Choice?!
…
No.
Oh.
Not Meryl Streep takes me down several flights of stairs. We are in a boiler room. There are children crawling everywhere.
Can they walk?
Not Meryl Streep laughs. She pushes me down a flight of stairs. I am in a cellar of sorts. The door at the top of the stairs shuts. Total darkness. I wake up.
Interpretations?
Yesterday I started rehearsals for my latest toe-dipping into the theatrical ocean [I don't know what that means.] Jekyll and Hyde [colon] The Musical. While technically not being done by any specific theatre group, the show is being rehearsed at and directed by faculty of the Shades Valley Theatre Academy. Performances are sometime in mid-April at the Virginia Samford Theatre. I’ll keep you posted.
Anyway, as I walked into the Shades Valley rehearsal space today, a large banner caught my eye. ‘Mediocrity is unacceptable.’ Crap, I thought, there goes my talent. And these kids seriously do know what they’re doing. Like they can read music. And write notes on said music. And follow harmonies. And they know all the lyrics. Meanwhile, I’m showing up five minutes late as the one kid from Homewood who hasn’t intentionally sung harmony in two years.
Self-deprecation aside, I’m confident that this will be a good show, and I encourage you all to see it. I’ll work on posting details at some point in the future.
‘Only the mediocre are always at their best.’
-Jean Giraudoux
7:30 am – Dad wakes Noah. It’s snowing. Noah gets out of bed and walks outside for initial photoshoot.
9:00 am – Construction is complete on Eunice, an old snowwoman who enjoys mall walking and hitting kids with her purse.
10:00 am – Sledding ensues. Overton Park is an adequate place for sledding. Stranger’s yards are much better. No photo.
11:30 am – The search for soup ensues. Fail. Grilled cheese sounds good, too…
Okay. Here we go. I’m so on my game this year.
BEST PICTURE
Should win: Slumdog Millionaire
Will win: Slumdog Millionaire
Should’ve been nominated: Wall-E
Total lock. Slumdog Millionaire will win on Sunday night. Tell your friends.
DIRECTOR
Should win: Danny Boyle, Slumdog Millionaire
Will win: Danny Boyle
Should’ve been nominated: Andrew Stanton, Wall-E
See above.
ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY
Should win: Wall-E
Will win: Milk
Should’ve been nominated: The Visitor, Tom McCarthy
Milk is the only Best Picture nominee in this category, so it will probably win. But I was so incredibly tempted to put Wall-E. If it wins and Milk doesn’t I will punish myself for ever doubting that little robot.
ADAPTED SCREENPLAY
Should win: Slumdog Millionaire
Will win: Slumdog Millionaire
Should’ve been nominated: Iron Man
Once again, Slumdog Millionaire will win.
ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE
Should win: Anyone but Brad Pitt
Will win: Mickey Rourke
Should’ve been nominated: Ummmmmmm…
Sean Penn has the Critic’s Choice and the SAG. Mickey Rourke has the Golden Globe and the BAFTA. I’m going with Mickey, since the BAFTAS have proved a better indicator of acting winners in recent years.
ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE
Should win: Either Sally Hawkins or Kristin Scott Thomas [neither of whom were nominated]
Will win: Kate Winslet
Should’ve been nominated: Sally Hawkins and Kristin Scott Thomas
The Academy really screwed up here. Sally Hawkins and Kristin Scott Thomas, in Happy-Go-Lucky and I’ve Loved You So Long, respectively, gave the two best leading female performances of the year. Sucks for them. Kate Winslet takes it, with a weird upset possible with Meryl Streep.
ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE
Blah blah blah Heath Ledger wins yay.
ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE
Should win: Amy Adams or Viola Davis for Doubt
Will win: Penelope Cruz
Should’ve been nominated: Elsa Zylberstein [I've Loved You So Long]
Weird category. Kate Winslet has won almost every award in this category for The Reader, which she’s nominated for in the lead category. Penelope Cruz, however, won the BAFTA, plus several critics awards. Upset possible with Viola Davis.
FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM
Will win: Waltz With Bashir
Weird upset: The Class
ANIMATED FEATURE
Will/Should win: Wall-E
DOCUMENTARY FEATURE
Will win: Man on Wire
Weird upset: Trouble the Water
DOCUMENTARY SHORT
Will win: The Witness from the Balcony of Room 306
SHORT FILM – ANIMATED
Will/Should win: Presto! Because it was awesome. And people actually saw it.
SHORT FILM – LIVE ACTION
Will win: Toyland
Upset: The Pig
ORIGINAL SCORE
Will/Should win: AR Rahman for Slumdog Millionaire
Weird upset: Alexandre Desplat for The Curious Case of Benjamin Button [yuck!]
ORIGINAL SONG
Will win: Jai Ho from Slumdog
Should win: O… Saya from Slumdog
Upset: Down to Earth from Wall-E
ART DIRECTION
Will/Should win: Curious Case…
CINEMATOGRAPHY
Will/Should win: Slumdog Millionaire
COSTUME DESIGN
Will win: The Duchess
MAKEUP
Will win: Curious Case…
SOUND MIXING
Will win: The Dark Knight
SOUND EDITING
Will win: Wall-E
VISUAL EFFECTS
Will win: Curious Case…
FILM EDITING
Will/Should win: Slumdog Millionaire
Just watch me get every category wrong…
